Posthumous
by WitchyElphaba
Summary: Death was always his idea of a sweet, oblivious bliss. So why doe he not want want it anymore? Random Fay drabble.


A special thanks to Talim Hime, who helped me come out with a title when my imaginations dies on me.

Random Fay drabble I came out with. Because I'm too big of a Fay fangirl for my own good.

Disclaimer: I am not CLAMP and do not own Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles. If I did, Fay and Kurogane would be cannon arleady, dammit...

Set after Outo, before Shara/Shura country. [if you've read the manga, right after the world with the talking rabbits_

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**Posthumous**

_'I want to die...I want to die...but before I die...'_

A light wind blew, blowing dying leaves from the branches and around the blonde mand walking through the grove of trees. The tiniest, saddest smile adorned Fay's face as he walked through the dirt path leading back to their shelter on this particular world. With his hands tucked deep into his pockets, his blue jacked zipped up against the chilly breeze, Fay breathed in the autumn air of this new world they had arrived in earlier that day.

It was a peaceful world, which came as a relief to the travelling group, yet despite the peace, Fay was stilled disturbed. The world with the talking, bunny-like creatures set aside, Outo had sure worn them out, despite it not even being a real world to begin with. So he had experience a fake death.

It was odd, that he had been "killed" just after that particular conversation with Mokona. Even before that, when he had been injured, and the ninja had told him how he hated people who refused to live a life that was handed to them. Kurogane had pretty much told Fay he hated him.

He hadn't been bothered much by it, though it did leave him unexplainably sad. Yet for the first time in such a long, long time, he had begun to think that maybe, just maybe, life wasn't all that bad. "Dying" had come as such a shock, even he was surprised at how sudden it was: one minute he was seeing the world before him, another second, every single memory he could possibly remeber flashes through his mind's eye, and the next moment, all is still. He couldn't remember seeing anything in particular, he could remember nothing, and all was just still and silent. Waking up in a sleeping pod was not something he ever thought would follow right after death, and even he himself exhaled a sigh of relief at the prospect of not having failed anyone.

It was then that he began to wonder whether dying out on his companions would only add to their burdens. Fay had always lived being a burden to others, he was sure he was a burden to his traveling group as well. But the children would be unimaginably sad: picturing Sakura in tears was enough to clench his heart. And Kurogane, how would he react? Fay chuckled, "Thank heavens", or "What an idiot" would seem appropriate. Yet the thought of Kurogane saying such things in the case of his possible death still left him quite sad.

The cold air blew a bit fiercer, and Fay tucked his chin in as he made his way towards the small house they had managed to borrow to remain in this country. Mokona had sensed no feather, but they were all quite tired, and decided a night or two of rest would be absolutely wonderful. He hoped nobody had missed him or questioned him on his absence: he had used the excuse of "checking out the surroundings" to get a quick moment alone. It was rare for him, and he knew it. Fay loved being around the others --

Fay stopped in his tracks, his eyes wide. He had just thought to himself...he had told himself..._he __loved__ being around the others..._

The magician could not remember the last time he had even thought up of the word "love". Fate had not loved him, so he had long stopped loving anything...the last time he had though about love was...

_"I want to die...I want to die...but before I die..._

_...before I die, I want to be loved..."_

He closed his eyes, a sad frown adorning the usually-smiling face of the blonde mage. It had been _that_ long since he had thought of any form of love. And now...after a handful of months of traveling with the warm-hearted princess, the strong-hearted young archeologist, a talking manju bun and the ninja, he was finally thinking about love. Did he really care for them? He had sworn to himself that he did not have room in his heart to care for others...

But why was he now rethinking that he may not really want to die?

Fay shook his head and turned the knob on the door, ready to announce his return. He stopped himself and looked at the scene before him with a wide, humoured smile.

There they were, his traveling companions. Kurogane, who always worked hard to maintain that strong, gruff persona, was asleep on the couch, a copy of the manga he always bought in every world in his left hand, which rested on his lap. Syaoran slept with a calm expression on his face, leaning against Kurogane's right arm, his own arms wrapped around a sleeping Sakura, who was fast asleep on Syaoran's lap, a faint smile tugging on her lips. Mokona was perched atop Syaoran's head, snoring soft "Puu"'s in it's sleep.

The mage stood there, simply taking in the peaceful scene. Now he knew why he was rethinking death. Now he knew why he was thinking about love again for the first time in his life. The group before him would care for him more than anyone else he knew, or would possibly ever know.

He walked quietly across the room to a corner where blankets were folded and tucked away neatly. As he grabbed a few and headed towards the group, a guilty feeling spread through him as he imagined his friend's reactions at his "death" in Outo. Had they really been saddened? If that was the case, then Fay was truly selfish for having put his friends through such an agonzing thought.

He tucked the blankets carefully around the sleeping group, careful not to wake them up. Kurogane stirred and muttered something inaudible as Fay tucked a red-and-black checkered blanket around the ninja, and Fay resited the urge to chuckle out loud.

Syaoran. Sakura. Mokona. Kurogane. They were his friends, his family. The people he loved.

Fay straightened up and put his hands on his hips, looking at the group once again with fond eyes. He then headed towards the kitchen. Not only was the group exhuasted, but they were starving too, and Fay knew that silly Kuro-pii would storm around demanding food once he woke up. As Fay moved around the kitchen preparing a delicious dinner that the group definately deserved, Fay made up his mind.

He would happily continue living just to see them smile (which included seeing Kurogane screaming and chasing him down with his sword after coming up with a brilliant, wonderful new name). He loved them, therefore, he would continue to live for these people. His new-found family.

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Meh random and corny, I know. But geez, those five really are a family. Awww...they're so cute.

Thanks for reading, reviews much appreciated!


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